Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What would you do?

First of all, I promise this is the first and will be the last time I blog about gas. Really. Well, probably.

But I must confess, for reasons I do not understand, I think it is the funniest subject ever. Really. I can hardly think about it without cracking up. In fact, I absolutely cannot. So you can imagine how hilarious it is for me to live with a man who wakes himself up in the middle of the night with loud gas. ("Loud gas"—the very words make me laugh so hard I can barely type. I think there is something wrong with me.) He wakes up with a start "What's that?!" as if perhaps our home is being invaded.

Once on an early date, we were walking into a movie theatre. The trailers had begun, and the theatre was dark. About a quarter way down the center aisle, Husband accidentally lets rip one that sounded like thunder. Did he think no one would notice because it was DARK? Could I not, he wondered, pretend not to notice? Absolutely not. I collapsed to the ground in laughter and had to practically crawl out of the theatre until I could get control of myself. Who looked more stupid there? But seriously, I could not help myself.

This is by way of explaining why I am still laughing over the story he brought home the other night: He is sitting in his cubicle at work. He feels pressure. He lets it go carefully in the name of noise control. He thinks he's in the clear until a coworker walks into his cubicle RIGHT INTO THE CLOUD OF GAS. What would you have done? Husband just sat there smiling. The coworker draws up short and announces "Uh—I'll be back in about five minutes." As in when the air has cleared. We know what I would have done.

Of course I've been telling this story to everyone. One of my girl friends handles the situation like this: She farts in her office, someone shows up at the door, she stands up and says "I've got to check the fax machine. Walk with me."

Me? This is never an issue, as I am known as an entirely gasless person. Really.

15 comments:

lisagh said...

I laughed out loud at this post from beginning to end. HILARIOUS.

My ex slept with a C-PAP machine... talk about gas build-up. He had high pressure air pumping into his face the whole night. In the morning (while he was still sleeping, of course) it would start to release out the other end. My solution? I'd tuck the covers around him; wrap him like a sausage and then I'd be safe. Only problem was when he woke up he'd be all constricted like he was in a straight jacket.

I would giggle every morning!

Manisha said...

OMG. Hilarious. I never truly understood the "walk with me.." till now. But your movie theater story is the one that has me in stitches.

Sabina said...

OMG ROTFLMAO

Purple Flowers said...

This post has me laughing out loud. I love the movie date scenerio. I'm still laughing as I type this!

A. said...

Hilarious!

This reminds me of a man in Sam's office. He's been there something like 20 years and he just farts – unapologetically -- all day long. Poor Sam had to sit next to him for two years (the boss claimed that, because Sam had been in the military, he was probably used to such crude behavior). Sam went through like seven containers of air freshener in that time, to no avail. The man is known throughout the firm as "farting Keith."

Mom on the Run said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Angelina said...

Well you got me laughing too so I guess I think gas is pretty funny too.

adozeneggs said...

Is he related to my Dad?
The only difference is that my father would let one go and then say he thought he heard ducks, or it was a creak in the floor.
I think there is a problem with women who claim to not "release" gas in front of their S.O.
I'm not buying that you're entirely gasless. It's impossible, especially if you're eating brussel sprouts!

Deb said...

So funny! I am so glad that you brought this subject to light. We should start a 12 step group for grown women who love gas/fart stuff.

gwendomama said...

Can't...comment...laughing...too...hard...OOOPS!! WHAT WAS THAT?

ask me someday about post-birth gas.

ElleBee said...

This is too funny! You need to come visit my house. I have a husband who really likes refried beans. I mean LOVES them. Two boys who are, well, BOYS, which means they have an inherent love of all things gross. And a dog whose "silent but deadly" farts could put all three of my boys to shame...

TetonGrant said...

My elderly sister put me on to your website. I think she has something special about gas. Of course there were three of us males in the family and two females so the gassers carried the day. I think it was also my sister who as we were hiking and climbing in the Tetons, gave me the nickname of "jet propelled up the mountain." I think she was jealous. Now I too am a cancer survivor, once 18 years ago and once five years ago. It's such a wonderful thing to be a survivor. You get to pass more gas. but there is sadness and happiness with everything and the chemotherapy and radiation to the head and neck probably is the reason I'm still here but it's also the reason why I don't hear very well and I rarely smell any odors. Even the most powerful odors. Perhaps this scene will illustrate what I mean. My sister was walking toward me in the hallway chatting. I know she, as female, is careful about gas. I discreetly slipped a silent one out so as not to disturb anybody. she walked right into my fresh air or so it smells to me who has a nose that smells nothing. Suddenly she jumped up and down and turned and twisted threw her arms about squawking about some form of pain and agony and in dignity she was suffering. I think I heard the words, "OMG, did you die?" I could not maintain my a straight face. I had everything I could do to keep from falling down laughing and peeing in my pants as I watched her gesticulate waving her arms attempting to move my precious internally processed molecules unsuccessfully away from her nose.

Do you suppose that has something to do with why she referred me to this website?

Love to all or as Papa used to say, "Enjoy".

Cindy said...

TG: Elderly people are reading my blog? That's excellent.

melee46 said...

I am the "elderly" sister of Teton Grant and my daughter thinks hwe must have meant "elder" sister since I am older than he is. But my nose still works.

JoAnne said...

OMG, my eyes are watering. I can't stop. I can't breathe. Laughing is such good medicine. Does this mean I ought to stop hassling my husband about his constant farting? I mean constant. I don't need to worry that my kids will grow up farting around their spouses? Living in a barn would be quieter and better smelling than it is here. I should be laughing?