"I am the president of a PTA," I sniff. "And I have better glasses." They reply "Shit, Cindy. You would make a much better vice presidential candidate!"
But before I say sign me up, I think we should discuss this. I often find the two-column pro/con approach useful for considering such weighty issues. So here we go.
Would I Make a Good Vice Presidential Candidate?
Cons. My record could be sort of a problem here.
1. When I was a teenager, I did buckets of drugs. Really, just buckets. These things tend to get brought up in campaigns and rarely in a flattering light (e.g., "She really cleaned up nicely, didn't she?" or "Wow. She must have really started out with a lot of brain cells.").Pros. Alright! Here's my excellent platform. If you're not happy with Sarah Palin, you'll like me!2. I have knowingly hired illegal migrant workers. The fact that I paid them a decent wage (albeit under the table) and drove down the hill to pick them up burritos for lunch probably doesn't mitigate this.3. I am an atheist. And while you would think that separation of church and state would render the fact that I have no church inconsequential, there seem to be a lot of people who think that being godless means lacking a moral compass, a sense of justice, and sense of greater humanity.4. I have called in to work sick and then gone skiing. More than once.
1. I will not support shooting wildlife from airplanes. There's just got to be better ways to spend one's time. And I'm not much on hunting, but isn't it more or less of a sport these days? Somehow chasing an animal to the point of exhaustion using aircraft and then blowing its brains out as it collapses just doesn't seem very sportsmanlike. I mean, for christsake, get down there on the ground with them and at least pursue them under your own power.So, I dunno. What do you think? Maybe I'm not ready. Oh, wait. No one nominated me. OK, I'll go back to posting recipes.
2. I will support reproductive rights. I just love how conservatives advocate for small government except when it comes to this issue. Maybe it's a fiscal thing: Social and environmental programs cost money. Maybe they figure that money they save on sex education and access to contraception is money that can be better spent on—oh, say—the military. Yes, that's it! But wait, that doesn't make sense. A pregnancy for many teenagers means the end of their education and increased dependence on social programs. But, wait! We can cut those! Money saved and god happier! But I think that's all bullshit. As I said, I will support reproductive rights. Even for Bristol Palin.
3. I will support gay rights, including gay marriage, equal access to benefits, and all the other things the rest of us have. I'm just not that interested in who you want to fuck. Unlike Sarah Palin's church, which is obsessed with it to the point of developing a program to "pray away the gay." Why would anyone want to pray away or mess with in any way the part of a person that determines who they love?
4. I will support public libraries. I will not seek to ban books. Haven't we had enough trouble with an administration that thinks people do not need information?
5. There are no voices (god or other) in my head telling me to kill people. You would think this is a given among people running for public office or even roaming the streets at will. And yeah, I know she is trying to claim she was invoking Abraham Lincoln, but I think that's bullshit. I think she really believes what she said, and it's reprehensible that she can't own it because it's not politically expedient. At any rate what Lincoln said was this: "[M]y concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right." Which is not the same thing as what she said.