So in moments that can probably be described as completely delusional, I look at a snapshot of my life (such as is documented in this blog so far) and think "Do I have a handle on it or what?" In general I run a pretty tight ship. I get shit done. I maintain my relationships. I'm a good mom. The last one is, of course, the most important. And I think much of the time I get it right. My daughter is happy, confident, outgoing, resilient, and wise. But I'm beginning to think this is because she's on to the fact that her mom isan ill-tempered potty-mouthed nutjob.
Witness a moment from last night when the wheels just totally came off. After finally getting her settled in bed and QUIET ("please please please JUST STOP TALKING!!!"), I leave her and go into the other room to fold laundry. About twenty minutes later she tiptoes in and announces that her tummy is rumbly and she thinks that is why she cannot sleep. And I just freak out, shrieking probably loud enough for Child Protective Services to hear me, "Well, if you had EATEN you GODDAMN DINNER instead of fiddling around and TALKING, then you probably wouldn't be hungry right now. It is already 45 minutes PAST your bedtime, and you have OPERA tomorrow night!!! I will give you something to eat this time, but the next time this happens, YOU WILL GO HUNGRY!!" To which she said in a small voice "Maybe a fried egg, Mama?" "NOOO!!!! The kitchen is CLOSED!!! Here is a bowl of cold cereal [slams bowl on table]. You will eat this and GO BACK TO BED!!!" "Oh, thank you very much, Mama."
Five minutes later she was snoring softly in bed. And the funny thing is I woke up in the middle of night, tummy rumbling but heart hurting too. I went and had a little bowl of cereal out of the bowl she left on the table, but sitting on the side of her bed and listening to her breathe is probably what helped me get back to sleep.
This morning I apologized for shouting at her. She just smiled, kissed me gently, and said "That's ok, Mama!" Inside she was probably thinking "Poor Mama. She's so whacked."
In other news, I made a batch of eggnog cookies to take to opera tonight. For the excellent recipe, visit Adrienne at d.c. diaries. Thanks, Adrienne! I now have a quart of eggnog minus what the recipe called for and I don't particularly like eggnog to drink (sort of like cheesecake: not bad but not worth the calories), so I'm noodling other uses for it. This weekend I'm going to enter my Pancake Lab and see what I can concoct. Stay tuned.